Ripples of loss

You know how you find something out and it makes you sad and then some time later you realize that it has more consequences than you anticipated?

March 24, 2014, we lost our second daughter. I was 15 weeks and she was born breathing but it was too soon for her to survive. I could go into the many emotions about that but that is not for today. As a result of loosing Joan we found out that I have a condition called Placental Abruption which means every time I get pregnant the placenta will remove from the wall and cut off all nutrients and air to the baby. It had happened with my now four year old daughter when I went into labor but we thought it was a one time thing. Turns out my previous two pregnancies most likely ended this way. That is the back story. Now every time I get pregnant from here on out will be high risk and complete bed rest. 

What I just realized today was that my dream of being a surrogate mom is not possible anymore. And that hurts. It hurts so much. I wanted so much to be able to do that for someone. For a couple who wanted children but couldn't because they were either infertile, homosexual, or just plain didn't want to do the pregnancy part. Whatever their reason I wanted to help them. And now I can't. I can never give that love. I know they will find someone out there. I know that I am not vital to the surrogate community. Heck right now I am not even a candidate because of our income status. But I wanted to in the future when we were stable and I could give a miracle like I received in my Bug.

Loosing a child hurts tremendously. Loosing them through a condition that you can't fix and the guilt that comes with it is horrible. Loosing a wish is minor compared to these but it was just another bad thing that came out of all of this. I really am just lost right now. Lost at how something can create ripples in your life for an indeterminable amount of time. Lost at why this happens to me and my family on top of everything else we have been dealing with. Lost at the meaning of this. Lost in the sorrow and depression but still trying to operate for my husband and daughter, and sometimes failing. 

There is really no wise words in this post. There is no decision to make or something to debate. It really was a post to try to sort out the emotions I am going through, or at least one of them. For anyone who has ever lost a child, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in the small and large things. I know it is cliche but it will get better but no one but you can put a time on how long it will take. I am getting better but I am not healed yet. I know this and I know that this is okay. Even though it has been three months, it is okay that I still grieve.  Not feeling too great right now but all is planned by God so I must be patient to see where I am led. If you are not Christian or your faith is being tested by a loss then I hope you find the comfort you seek in any way you can get it. 

I will also always listen. You can talk to me about your loss, no matter what form it came in or who you are. If you are in grief I will listen, I will talk to you. I will share your grief and hopefully we can find peace together in any way we can.

Have a blessed day. -Net

The little voice in my head

If you've read previous posts you know I suffer from depression. If your human you know we all have that little voice in our head. Except that voice is never nice for me. To give a few examples of what it is in my head all the time I will give you some of the things I hear and tell myself and most of them have been in the last 24 hours:

1. You need to loose weight, You're fat and not pretty.
2. You know, your husband would be so much better without you
3. How dare you try to be happy. You're a horrible wife and your an even worse mom. I mean come on you yelled at your daughter because she talked back. All kids talk back you know that. How could you speak to her like that. Your despicable.
4. Your useless. You just sit home with your kid. You don't work all you do is use of your husband's resources. He would be better without you.
5. Why are you even looking at Pinterest, you can't do anything. Why are dreaming of a house. You're not going to get one.

These are thought that go through my head every day. I won't get started on the thoughts that pop up when I think about our lost child in March. Or the constant guilt, anxiety, anger, and other emotions I feel on a consistent basis. It really is no surprise that I was suicidal as a teen. I am not telling you this to gain sympathy. I am telling you because it helps me. It helps to get it out. It helps for you to know that I am messed up but I am still trying. I am still fighting to survive for the sake of myself and my daughter.

Also know that depression does not make me a bad person or bad mother or bad wife. I feel like it does but it doesn't. It makes me feel like I will become my biological mother. I could never do that to my daughter. I am at war with myself. But also know that it makes me more sympathetic to others pain. Especially of the mental pain variety.

If you ever need anyone to vent to even it is about something that you think makes you a horrible person, I will listen. I will encourage you. I will be there for you.

The Moth Myth

Long ago the moths were as beautiful as the butterflies.  They had bright colors and joy followed where ever they lighted.

But one day the sky, ground, and all of its growth lost color. The animals despaired. They could not live in a world that had no color. How would they know what was safe to eat or touch? How could they have joy if half the world was gray and the only color were themselves?

The animals gathered together to try to find a solution. They talked and argued for many days while the wise moths listened, hoping for a peaceful solution. After many days all the animals were full of grief and anger for no solution could be agreed upon.

That was when the moths stepped forward and offered their color. They said they would give their color to the while taking the shades of black, white, and gray. They would return balance to the world and bring safety once again.

All of the animals were astounded at their generosity and worked with the moths on restoring color back into the world once again.

Now when you see a moth, know that it is because of them we have color and they made the sacrifice of their selves for the world.

(A story my grandmother told me so I wouldn't be scared of moths.) 

Two birds with one stone on Sabbath

If you know me you know that I like being efficient but when I have nothing to be efficient about then I get into a rut and become useless. It is a sad thing honestly. This morning though on a Facebook group that I am a part of a fellow blogger said that she was going back to her days of no internet on Sunday. That she was going to devote more of her time to the Lord and other things she has neglected. And it hit me right in the heart. I need to do this too. Lately I have been feeling a grinding halt to my faith and the strong presence of mind that I am spending too much time online. That I am ignoring the important things and what also bring me peace and rejuvenates me. My daughter is left to her own devices which admittedly she is amazing at but we just don't connect anymore. My reading is way off. I used to be able to read at least half a book in a day and it has been a very long time since I have done that. My writing is just plain horrendous now. So I need to take a day to revive my soul. To reconnect with the Word, Him, Bug, and myself. This is my notice to you that I will now be trying to take Sunday's off from the wonderful world wide web and to show myself and my daughter that we ourselves are more important than the technology that controls us a lot of the time. A great article I found stating why this is needed is below, it is better at explaining than I am.

Why it really matters that you keep the Sabbath.
http://www.charismamag.com/life/health/20419-why-it-really-matters-that-you-keep-the-sabbath

I don't know

Something is wrong

That feeling in you that something is off and you need to fix it.

But you don't know where to start.

I am feeling an emptiness. I don't know if this is the start of a depression episode or the start of major change. I really hope the second one. I realized this morning how selfish I really am. I always knew I was selfish like everyone knows they are. But I realized how far into that pit I have gone. I need to start doing for others and stop taking from others without concern. What I really need to do is build my faith, pour my soul into Him and His word. Learn how I can start serving. To give back everything that has been given to me. I don't even really know where to start. I am stationary so driving out to help others is not a current option. I just am lost right now. I have been lost in sadness, hopelessness, envy, anger, apathy. Where do I go from here?

I know this post makes no sense whatsoever. My mind is a jumble and I am trying to sort it out. Just bear with me because I think things are about to get a little topsy turvy.

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

You know how you hear something and it keeps popping up everywhere you are? Or how it suddenly applies to everything in your life?

This is what Psalm 34:18 has done to me. The first time it came to my attention was the loss of my daughter in March. I don't even remember how it was introduced. Ever since then though I am turning to it constantly. And today I just realized this verse is now my mantra in my battle against my grief but also in my everyday battle against depression. I turn to it every time I feel sad or like I want to give up. Every time I need encouragement. This verse has comforted me through the last two months of hard grief and depression. It has soothed the pain or anger or lack of empathy. It has come to mind when I have the urge to lash out at someone. Because they are probably acting like they are because they are crushed in spirit. Then I just want to nod my head in understanding and leave them be. There is always something that brings us comfort when we need it. Whether it be a bible verse or some other quote or saying. It could be a picture or mental image that gives us a break.

What brings you comfort or joy?

Counting blessings in view of a not so good start

So I woke up at 7a.m. today feeling yucky and handed the phone to Sarah to watch tv and then promptly passed out till 8:30. Step one to bad mommy morning. Then I got up and did my yoga for the day and took a shower while Sarah was still watching her shows. Did not get her fed till 9:30ish which was step two. Step three is caving in and letting her watch a movie in the living room because I don't have the energy to do anything else. Today is aiming to just be a lazy mommy day and I feel horrible about it. However it does happen sometimes to everyone so I am allowing myself somewhat of a break. This sick day of mine came at bad timing because I was gone all afternoon yesterday and I always feel a little guilty for leaving her behind even if I did need the break. But...let us count the blessings. I woke up, Sarah's allergies are not driving her nuts today, (in)courage is starting community groups today and I already signed up, Yoga was simple today, coffee,word that we should get our car back by the end of the week. So overall the blessings always outweigh the problems. And thank God for that because He is ever merciful and loving.


(Yes, I know I started two sentences with But & And. Normally I would freak about this but my head is really to cloudy to care.)