Standstill is over

Too long I have been on the sidelines of my life. I have been an observer and not an active participant. It has gotten tiresome and come to the point where I feel helpless. Enough. I have been a passive person in my faith, my life, my child's life, and the future of my family. I do know that a main cause of this is depression and a deep seated fear that I am still dealing with. Now I need to start with the small steps to make my life vibrant, wholesome, and to be able to be a better support system for my husband, daughter, and anyone else who needs it. A few days ago I stated that I need to strengthen my faith. I have found a site that I think can get me started and my church family alone has helped me take strong leaps in the past year for that. Now I need to take advantage of my OCD personality and use it to rejoice and come closer to God and to set things in motion. Pray for me that I may keep the strength and use my weaknesses to His benefit and for those around me.

Finding grace

This day was long and hard. All day long I have heard stories of children lost. It has also be hard with the babies growing in their mother's wombs and one born. I rejoice for those mother's who know joy, even if my heart breaks a little and asks what I did wrong. All day I had to discipline my daughter and niece but was afraid to do so because you never know what will happen next. I lay between my husband and daughter now. Listening to their ragged breathes as they fight off a cold or allergies. My daughter also fights a fever as the rain outside fights the heat. I worry for these two loved ones and I know I will get little sleep. That is okay though because I would rather be aware of every breath they take and know they are safe. It is also finals for me today and tomorrow. I was working on my project all afternoon and have so much more to do tomorrow so an early day. I think what I need right now is the reminder of grace. I have been ignoring this week because of stress, heartbreak, and depression. I need to pay attention to this week because it leads to Easter Sunday and that is a day of great joy and love. I will look to the Lord for patience, for love, for strength. I will find His grace in the small moments of the days and thank Him for them. I will look to His word for comfort. Good night, God Bless.  

When your world crashes...

When your world crashes it seems like nothing will be right again. These past two weeks have been the hardest out of the very hard two months we have had. We lost our baby, Joan, and had to explain that to my Sarah who is four and doesn't really understand. We had to go through the cremation process and then found out the urn we had gotten was too small. So now while our daughters ashes remain at the funeral home we wait on the delivery of another urn. We are staying with friends and have for a couple months now when we used to live on our own. Our money situation is plain ridiculous and I have no way of helping with the income. So far 2014 has not been our year and the depression came back of course because it is never too far. As a result my daughter suffers. I become withdrawn and do not act like a mother. This is horrible for her and I feel so much guilt from it. I know I need to get out of the pit, it is a very hard thing to do. I am still working on it. Working on not being stuck in my head and listening to all those lies I tell myself. But I do know it will get better. I have no idea when or how but it will. We will have our own home again and I will be a good mother again. I will help my husband with money again, somehow. I just don't know when or how. And that is okay.

Joan

You were so tiny
A being of infinite possibilities
A breath on the brink
Now you are forever
An eternal life

My heart breaks
Though I did not know you long
You are still my beloved
Now with God, wait for me
I will spend eternity with you when this life is done

You entered this world for less than a few minutes
You imprinted upon my heart instantly
My dear daughter I will love you forever
and hope to know you when I meet you again
Until then, sit with God and be the angel I know you to be.

Grieving

I lost a child yesterday, March 24. I was 16.3 weeks pregnant. My body went wrong and I could no longer support my baby. She was born alive and lived for about 10 minutes. I have no idea how to handle this. No idea at all. How does one handle loosing a child? Within the next few days I will have to explain to my daughter that I don't have a baby in my tummy anymore and that the baby is with God and won't be coming home. It didn't really hit us until we were told we had to name her, bury her, get a death certificate. It shoves it in your face and you have to deal with those things while mourning. I can't write more because I am too emotional.

Advice needed.

As you know I am a stay at home mom and given the hours I have to work around my husband's schedule I can not work outside the house. Does anyone have any idea what I can do from home? I am currently working on my college degree for Interior Design but that has a few more years left. I do not have any other proven skills. I know I am great at office work and organization but do not have the 'work experience'. I am crafty but starting out I can not buy many supplies to start anything.

Really any advice is appreciated.

Spring is coming!

Fall and Winter are my favorite months because I get really ill as soon as the temperature gets above 70. But we have had a harsh winter and I have been holed up with two toddler girls for most of it. I am looking forward to getting them outside so I can exhaust them. It would be great if I could just exhaust my daughter and let my niece do her thing if she wants. I am looking forward to Easter this year. I am a holiday fanatic which my husband dreads but it makes life more vibrant. I look forward to the church events, the personal egg hunts I do, the many crafts. The breath of fresh life that Easter brings to everything in the world. Spring is the new beginning. Proving that all hard things must come to an end and better things are yet to come. I can not contain my joy, my love. I feel full in news ways. I hope this Spring can bring continued joy and that my daughter can enjoy it just as much as I do.