Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ripples of loss

You know how you find something out and it makes you sad and then some time later you realize that it has more consequences than you anticipated?

March 24, 2014, we lost our second daughter. I was 15 weeks and she was born breathing but it was too soon for her to survive. I could go into the many emotions about that but that is not for today. As a result of loosing Joan we found out that I have a condition called Placental Abruption which means every time I get pregnant the placenta will remove from the wall and cut off all nutrients and air to the baby. It had happened with my now four year old daughter when I went into labor but we thought it was a one time thing. Turns out my previous two pregnancies most likely ended this way. That is the back story. Now every time I get pregnant from here on out will be high risk and complete bed rest. 

What I just realized today was that my dream of being a surrogate mom is not possible anymore. And that hurts. It hurts so much. I wanted so much to be able to do that for someone. For a couple who wanted children but couldn't because they were either infertile, homosexual, or just plain didn't want to do the pregnancy part. Whatever their reason I wanted to help them. And now I can't. I can never give that love. I know they will find someone out there. I know that I am not vital to the surrogate community. Heck right now I am not even a candidate because of our income status. But I wanted to in the future when we were stable and I could give a miracle like I received in my Bug.

Loosing a child hurts tremendously. Loosing them through a condition that you can't fix and the guilt that comes with it is horrible. Loosing a wish is minor compared to these but it was just another bad thing that came out of all of this. I really am just lost right now. Lost at how something can create ripples in your life for an indeterminable amount of time. Lost at why this happens to me and my family on top of everything else we have been dealing with. Lost at the meaning of this. Lost in the sorrow and depression but still trying to operate for my husband and daughter, and sometimes failing. 

There is really no wise words in this post. There is no decision to make or something to debate. It really was a post to try to sort out the emotions I am going through, or at least one of them. For anyone who has ever lost a child, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in the small and large things. I know it is cliche but it will get better but no one but you can put a time on how long it will take. I am getting better but I am not healed yet. I know this and I know that this is okay. Even though it has been three months, it is okay that I still grieve.  Not feeling too great right now but all is planned by God so I must be patient to see where I am led. If you are not Christian or your faith is being tested by a loss then I hope you find the comfort you seek in any way you can get it. 

I will also always listen. You can talk to me about your loss, no matter what form it came in or who you are. If you are in grief I will listen, I will talk to you. I will share your grief and hopefully we can find peace together in any way we can.

Have a blessed day. -Net

Monday, June 16, 2014

The little voice in my head

If you've read previous posts you know I suffer from depression. If your human you know we all have that little voice in our head. Except that voice is never nice for me. To give a few examples of what it is in my head all the time I will give you some of the things I hear and tell myself and most of them have been in the last 24 hours:

1. You need to loose weight, You're fat and not pretty.
2. You know, your husband would be so much better without you
3. How dare you try to be happy. You're a horrible wife and your an even worse mom. I mean come on you yelled at your daughter because she talked back. All kids talk back you know that. How could you speak to her like that. Your despicable.
4. Your useless. You just sit home with your kid. You don't work all you do is use of your husband's resources. He would be better without you.
5. Why are you even looking at Pinterest, you can't do anything. Why are dreaming of a house. You're not going to get one.

These are thought that go through my head every day. I won't get started on the thoughts that pop up when I think about our lost child in March. Or the constant guilt, anxiety, anger, and other emotions I feel on a consistent basis. It really is no surprise that I was suicidal as a teen. I am not telling you this to gain sympathy. I am telling you because it helps me. It helps to get it out. It helps for you to know that I am messed up but I am still trying. I am still fighting to survive for the sake of myself and my daughter.

Also know that depression does not make me a bad person or bad mother or bad wife. I feel like it does but it doesn't. It makes me feel like I will become my biological mother. I could never do that to my daughter. I am at war with myself. But also know that it makes me more sympathetic to others pain. Especially of the mental pain variety.

If you ever need anyone to vent to even it is about something that you think makes you a horrible person, I will listen. I will encourage you. I will be there for you.