Thursday, June 19, 2014

Ripples of loss

You know how you find something out and it makes you sad and then some time later you realize that it has more consequences than you anticipated?

March 24, 2014, we lost our second daughter. I was 15 weeks and she was born breathing but it was too soon for her to survive. I could go into the many emotions about that but that is not for today. As a result of loosing Joan we found out that I have a condition called Placental Abruption which means every time I get pregnant the placenta will remove from the wall and cut off all nutrients and air to the baby. It had happened with my now four year old daughter when I went into labor but we thought it was a one time thing. Turns out my previous two pregnancies most likely ended this way. That is the back story. Now every time I get pregnant from here on out will be high risk and complete bed rest. 

What I just realized today was that my dream of being a surrogate mom is not possible anymore. And that hurts. It hurts so much. I wanted so much to be able to do that for someone. For a couple who wanted children but couldn't because they were either infertile, homosexual, or just plain didn't want to do the pregnancy part. Whatever their reason I wanted to help them. And now I can't. I can never give that love. I know they will find someone out there. I know that I am not vital to the surrogate community. Heck right now I am not even a candidate because of our income status. But I wanted to in the future when we were stable and I could give a miracle like I received in my Bug.

Loosing a child hurts tremendously. Loosing them through a condition that you can't fix and the guilt that comes with it is horrible. Loosing a wish is minor compared to these but it was just another bad thing that came out of all of this. I really am just lost right now. Lost at how something can create ripples in your life for an indeterminable amount of time. Lost at why this happens to me and my family on top of everything else we have been dealing with. Lost at the meaning of this. Lost in the sorrow and depression but still trying to operate for my husband and daughter, and sometimes failing. 

There is really no wise words in this post. There is no decision to make or something to debate. It really was a post to try to sort out the emotions I am going through, or at least one of them. For anyone who has ever lost a child, I am so sorry for your loss. I hope you find comfort in the small and large things. I know it is cliche but it will get better but no one but you can put a time on how long it will take. I am getting better but I am not healed yet. I know this and I know that this is okay. Even though it has been three months, it is okay that I still grieve.  Not feeling too great right now but all is planned by God so I must be patient to see where I am led. If you are not Christian or your faith is being tested by a loss then I hope you find the comfort you seek in any way you can get it. 

I will also always listen. You can talk to me about your loss, no matter what form it came in or who you are. If you are in grief I will listen, I will talk to you. I will share your grief and hopefully we can find peace together in any way we can.

Have a blessed day. -Net

Monday, June 16, 2014

The little voice in my head

If you've read previous posts you know I suffer from depression. If your human you know we all have that little voice in our head. Except that voice is never nice for me. To give a few examples of what it is in my head all the time I will give you some of the things I hear and tell myself and most of them have been in the last 24 hours:

1. You need to loose weight, You're fat and not pretty.
2. You know, your husband would be so much better without you
3. How dare you try to be happy. You're a horrible wife and your an even worse mom. I mean come on you yelled at your daughter because she talked back. All kids talk back you know that. How could you speak to her like that. Your despicable.
4. Your useless. You just sit home with your kid. You don't work all you do is use of your husband's resources. He would be better without you.
5. Why are you even looking at Pinterest, you can't do anything. Why are dreaming of a house. You're not going to get one.

These are thought that go through my head every day. I won't get started on the thoughts that pop up when I think about our lost child in March. Or the constant guilt, anxiety, anger, and other emotions I feel on a consistent basis. It really is no surprise that I was suicidal as a teen. I am not telling you this to gain sympathy. I am telling you because it helps me. It helps to get it out. It helps for you to know that I am messed up but I am still trying. I am still fighting to survive for the sake of myself and my daughter.

Also know that depression does not make me a bad person or bad mother or bad wife. I feel like it does but it doesn't. It makes me feel like I will become my biological mother. I could never do that to my daughter. I am at war with myself. But also know that it makes me more sympathetic to others pain. Especially of the mental pain variety.

If you ever need anyone to vent to even it is about something that you think makes you a horrible person, I will listen. I will encourage you. I will be there for you.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

The Moth Myth

Long ago the moths were as beautiful as the butterflies.  They had bright colors and joy followed where ever they lighted.

But one day the sky, ground, and all of its growth lost color. The animals despaired. They could not live in a world that had no color. How would they know what was safe to eat or touch? How could they have joy if half the world was gray and the only color were themselves?

The animals gathered together to try to find a solution. They talked and argued for many days while the wise moths listened, hoping for a peaceful solution. After many days all the animals were full of grief and anger for no solution could be agreed upon.

That was when the moths stepped forward and offered their color. They said they would give their color to the while taking the shades of black, white, and gray. They would return balance to the world and bring safety once again.

All of the animals were astounded at their generosity and worked with the moths on restoring color back into the world once again.

Now when you see a moth, know that it is because of them we have color and they made the sacrifice of their selves for the world.

(A story my grandmother told me so I wouldn't be scared of moths.) 

Saturday, May 24, 2014

Two birds with one stone on Sabbath

If you know me you know that I like being efficient but when I have nothing to be efficient about then I get into a rut and become useless. It is a sad thing honestly. This morning though on a Facebook group that I am a part of a fellow blogger said that she was going back to her days of no internet on Sunday. That she was going to devote more of her time to the Lord and other things she has neglected. And it hit me right in the heart. I need to do this too. Lately I have been feeling a grinding halt to my faith and the strong presence of mind that I am spending too much time online. That I am ignoring the important things and what also bring me peace and rejuvenates me. My daughter is left to her own devices which admittedly she is amazing at but we just don't connect anymore. My reading is way off. I used to be able to read at least half a book in a day and it has been a very long time since I have done that. My writing is just plain horrendous now. So I need to take a day to revive my soul. To reconnect with the Word, Him, Bug, and myself. This is my notice to you that I will now be trying to take Sunday's off from the wonderful world wide web and to show myself and my daughter that we ourselves are more important than the technology that controls us a lot of the time. A great article I found stating why this is needed is below, it is better at explaining than I am.

Why it really matters that you keep the Sabbath.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I don't know

Something is wrong

That feeling in you that something is off and you need to fix it.

But you don't know where to start.

I am feeling an emptiness. I don't know if this is the start of a depression episode or the start of major change. I really hope the second one. I realized this morning how selfish I really am. I always knew I was selfish like everyone knows they are. But I realized how far into that pit I have gone. I need to start doing for others and stop taking from others without concern. What I really need to do is build my faith, pour my soul into Him and His word. Learn how I can start serving. To give back everything that has been given to me. I don't even really know where to start. I am stationary so driving out to help others is not a current option. I just am lost right now. I have been lost in sadness, hopelessness, envy, anger, apathy. Where do I go from here?

I know this post makes no sense whatsoever. My mind is a jumble and I am trying to sort it out. Just bear with me because I think things are about to get a little topsy turvy.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

You know how you hear something and it keeps popping up everywhere you are? Or how it suddenly applies to everything in your life?

This is what Psalm 34:18 has done to me. The first time it came to my attention was the loss of my daughter in March. I don't even remember how it was introduced. Ever since then though I am turning to it constantly. And today I just realized this verse is now my mantra in my battle against my grief but also in my everyday battle against depression. I turn to it every time I feel sad or like I want to give up. Every time I need encouragement. This verse has comforted me through the last two months of hard grief and depression. It has soothed the pain or anger or lack of empathy. It has come to mind when I have the urge to lash out at someone. Because they are probably acting like they are because they are crushed in spirit. Then I just want to nod my head in understanding and leave them be. There is always something that brings us comfort when we need it. Whether it be a bible verse or some other quote or saying. It could be a picture or mental image that gives us a break.

What brings you comfort or joy?

Monday, May 19, 2014

Counting blessings in view of a not so good start

So I woke up at 7a.m. today feeling yucky and handed the phone to Sarah to watch tv and then promptly passed out till 8:30. Step one to bad mommy morning. Then I got up and did my yoga for the day and took a shower while Sarah was still watching her shows. Did not get her fed till 9:30ish which was step two. Step three is caving in and letting her watch a movie in the living room because I don't have the energy to do anything else. Today is aiming to just be a lazy mommy day and I feel horrible about it. However it does happen sometimes to everyone so I am allowing myself somewhat of a break. This sick day of mine came at bad timing because I was gone all afternoon yesterday and I always feel a little guilty for leaving her behind even if I did need the break. But...let us count the blessings. I woke up, Sarah's allergies are not driving her nuts today, (in)courage is starting community groups today and I already signed up, Yoga was simple today, coffee,word that we should get our car back by the end of the week. So overall the blessings always outweigh the problems. And thank God for that because He is ever merciful and loving.

(Yes, I know I started two sentences with But & And. Normally I would freak about this but my head is really to cloudy to care.)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

I'm being negligent again long since my last post or effort? Yea yea I know. It gets hard when you don't have readers though and you sort of loose motivation. Aside from that. It has been as hot as Hades around here. Which means my lethargic self activates and I become of a blob of do nothing. I hate the heat. Hate it with a passion that rivals fire. Heat makes me sick and dizzy and uncomfortable. Honestly I dread the heat flashes of menopause when that time comes. I need a climate that never goes above 70 with little to no humidity. Any suggestions for this dreamscape? Today however we it windy out and beautiful and will possibly storm later and I am so happy for that. I NEED a storm. One that makes the house rattle. We shall see. Yes I made this post about weather. I quite often make everything about the weather. I love discussing the weather and there is no logic to that. To me a conversation has not failed when it defaults to weather because I can just go on and on. I worry about myself sometimes. :) On another note, I am thinking of starting a facebook page for my really random adventures. We shall see. I am considering it.

Thursday, May 1, 2014

Thoughts on my story

The (in)RL conference recently ended and the theme was to tell our story. The problem with that is mine is still unclear. I do not know where the Lord is leading me. With my history there are so very many paths I could take. I could help children who have been abused in any of the three ways. I could talk about drug addiction or suicide or depression or OCD. I could talk about marriage, about how God gave me a man who has stood by me for 12 years and through me growing up after I decided being my biological mother was not such a good idea. I have so much in my history that I am so very afraid of being found out or being rejected for. God gave me this life for a reason though. He gave me the lessons I have learned and the ones I will learn. There is work for me in the future and I know it will come according to His plan. I just don't know what story to tell now.

Monday, April 28, 2014

What music album would be used for a movie about your life?

I seriously put this off for three days because I have no idea. So I am just going to list my top songs and tell you why they're my favorite and we'll see if it counts as a made up album.

1. 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman: This song to me so fully embodies my joy in living in Christ and having Him as my savior. Knowing that everything will work out in the end and I will praise God the whole time.

2. Demons by Imagine Dragons: I just deeply connect with this song. To me it speaks of depression which is a daily struggle for me. It also makes me think of my past which I always feel will come take me over and that I am ruled by it. I know this isn't so but the song lets me get those feelings out.

3. Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen: I play this song when I need to be loud and I feel like everything is caving in on me. I don't know if it is because of the betrayal talked about in the song. It is a good song, great beat, and perfect for belting.

4. King of Anything by Sara Bareilles: An empowering song to not put up with anyone's crap. Which really anyone needs to hear this song if they haven't already. Especially if they had a bad relationship at some point, which we all have don't lie.

5. This is Halloween from the movie Nightmare Before Christmas: Fall is my favorite season and I love Halloween so much. Plus this movie is just so great.

There are plenty more but I don't have all night :). What album would be yours or what are you favorite songs?

Sunday, April 27, 2014

The writing bug

My writing bug has come back in full force! I just wrote 500 words and I have not done that in a very long time. I am making a vow to do at least 500 words every morning and hopefully I will have a decent story in a couple of months so that I can get it on amazon and bring in some small cash. I need to do something to help my husband so hopefully this will be a good start since finding a job outside of the home is not possible right now. So every morning I will get up, shower, make coffee, and then write 500 words before doing homework. I really need to stick to this because I know how I am. I get all excited about a project and drop it a few days later because I procrastinate like there is no tomorrow. Setting alarm and then another until I annoy myself into obedience. Now if you could just pray that I stick to this and it is a successful endeavor no matter how small of an impact it makes. Something is always better than nothing.

Friday, April 25, 2014


I'm watching (in)RL and the theme is telling your story. I have always found it weird to tell my story. I feel like I have dealt with too much and it would push people away. It is nice to know I'm not alone in that feeling though. That I'm not alone in the mistakes I've made or the things I've dealt with. Telling our stories heals us and others. We are able to build a community for Christ and have a sisterhood of love. That is beyond amazing. 

Monday, April 21, 2014

Name a totally useless possession and how you came to acquire it.

(skipped yesterday because of Holiday)

This is hard because even though I have a lot of stuff my husband would deem useless I actually use everything at least part of the year or for decoration of the house. I guess the most useless thing I own right now is a Hello Kitty runner. It is for the Bug but since she doesn't have a bedroom right now it hasn't been put to use. It just sits in the corner and stares at me mournfully. This was an awfully short post. Sorry about that.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Happy Easter!!

Easter is a wonderful day! Aside from the wonderful smiles from Sarah and the early morning joy it is also the day we get to celebrate Jesus rising from the grave. Now I know that Easter was a pagan holiday and that we are not 100% sure of Jesus' timeline because calenders can get confusing over many years. BUT it does not detract from the joy that death is not everlasting. We may depart our mortal bodies but then we get the greatest joy to be with our Father and Savior in Heaven. There is no greater joy!! A lovely lady I know referenced Easter as the Christian Independence Day. There is so much truth to that. We have gained independence from death and from sin all within three days. Jesus suffered and died on the cross for US for us sinners. He and the Father loved us so much that HE gave His ONLY Begotten Son so that we may be saved. Bless the Father and all His wondrous works.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

What 5 websites do you visit often and why?

1. Facebook
2. Tumblr
3. Pinterest
4. Houzz
5. Pandora

Facebook I keep open at all times so I don't miss messages since my phone is pretty horrible. Plus I have a bad need to know what is going on at all times. Tumblr because it is a mindless blog of all my favorite things. I can go on there and waste time and relax. Quite fun and I recommend it for everyone since it has almost everything. Pinterest was made for people like me. People who are obsessed with organization, crafts, cooking/baking, and etc. Houzz is an Interior Design site that lets you save any room and it is wonderful to have access to so many beautiful ideas and to be able to save them for later ideas. Pandora is a music site and a regular staple as I like to have music on almost constantly. Helps me concentrate and also drowns the noise of the children a little bit.

These are the sites I visit the most aside from my school site. I would love to know which ones you visit the most and why? You never know, I or you could find a new favorite site.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Name something you lost or gave away that can never be replaced.

Since it says something I am going to stick the thing in that word.

I was seventeen and struggling against my mentally abusive adoptive mother and working on getting back into the foster care system. I had actually been trying to do that for a few years but finally successful because she found out she would not have to give up the monthly money she received for 'caring' for me. So I moved out as fast as I could and could not immediately take all of my possessions. Among those left behind were all of my writings. I had written so many stories or other items and wanted them back so much. She later claimed that she had burned them because they were devil writing. Fantasy was apparently evil but so were many things I was accused of having done to ruin her life. Anyhow those writings could never be replaced because though I remember the basics of some I can never repeat the stories how they were forming then. A lot of them I don't even remember. It is sad but it happens.

Writing prompts challenge for self

I came across a site that has 130 writing prompts so I am going to post each prompt and my writing on it on here so I know where it is and how well it works for me. I am letting you know so you are aware of the random writings came from. :) If you are interested the link is below. Sometimes every writer needs a jump start. I am using this one to hopefully get my writing back into gear and maybe start selling some books online and get some basic income.


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Standstill is over

Too long I have been on the sidelines of my life. I have been an observer and not an active participant. It has gotten tiresome and come to the point where I feel helpless. Enough. I have been a passive person in my faith, my life, my child's life, and the future of my family. I do know that a main cause of this is depression and a deep seated fear that I am still dealing with. Now I need to start with the small steps to make my life vibrant, wholesome, and to be able to be a better support system for my husband, daughter, and anyone else who needs it. A few days ago I stated that I need to strengthen my faith. I have found a site that I think can get me started and my church family alone has helped me take strong leaps in the past year for that. Now I need to take advantage of my OCD personality and use it to rejoice and come closer to God and to set things in motion. Pray for me that I may keep the strength and use my weaknesses to His benefit and for those around me.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Finding grace

This day was long and hard. All day long I have heard stories of children lost. It has also be hard with the babies growing in their mother's wombs and one born. I rejoice for those mother's who know joy, even if my heart breaks a little and asks what I did wrong. All day I had to discipline my daughter and niece but was afraid to do so because you never know what will happen next. I lay between my husband and daughter now. Listening to their ragged breathes as they fight off a cold or allergies. My daughter also fights a fever as the rain outside fights the heat. I worry for these two loved ones and I know I will get little sleep. That is okay though because I would rather be aware of every breath they take and know they are safe. It is also finals for me today and tomorrow. I was working on my project all afternoon and have so much more to do tomorrow so an early day. I think what I need right now is the reminder of grace. I have been ignoring this week because of stress, heartbreak, and depression. I need to pay attention to this week because it leads to Easter Sunday and that is a day of great joy and love. I will look to the Lord for patience, for love, for strength. I will find His grace in the small moments of the days and thank Him for them. I will look to His word for comfort. Good night, God Bless.  

Monday, April 7, 2014

When your world crashes...

When your world crashes it seems like nothing will be right again. These past two weeks have been the hardest out of the very hard two months we have had. We lost our baby, Joan, and had to explain that to my Sarah who is four and doesn't really understand. We had to go through the cremation process and then found out the urn we had gotten was too small. So now while our daughters ashes remain at the funeral home we wait on the delivery of another urn. We are staying with friends and have for a couple months now when we used to live on our own. Our money situation is plain ridiculous and I have no way of helping with the income. So far 2014 has not been our year and the depression came back of course because it is never too far. As a result my daughter suffers. I become withdrawn and do not act like a mother. This is horrible for her and I feel so much guilt from it. I know I need to get out of the pit, it is a very hard thing to do. I am still working on it. Working on not being stuck in my head and listening to all those lies I tell myself. But I do know it will get better. I have no idea when or how but it will. We will have our own home again and I will be a good mother again. I will help my husband with money again, somehow. I just don't know when or how. And that is okay.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


You were so tiny
A being of infinite possibilities
A breath on the brink
Now you are forever
An eternal life
My heart breaks
Though I did not know you long
You are still my beloved
Now with God, wait for me
I will spend eternity with you when this life is done

You entered this world for less than a few minutes
You imprinted upon my heart instantly
My dear daughter I will love you forever
and hope to know you when I meet you again
Until then, sit with God and be the angel I know you to be.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


I lost a child yesterday, March 24. I was 16.3 weeks pregnant. My body went wrong and I could no longer support my baby. She was born alive and lived for about 10 minutes. I have no idea how to handle this. No idea at all. How does one handle loosing a child? Within the next few days I will have to explain to my daughter that I don't have a baby in my tummy anymore and that the baby is with God and won't be coming home. It didn't really hit us until we were told we had to name her, bury her, get a death certificate. It shoves it in your face and you have to deal with those things while mourning. I can't write more because I am too emotional.

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Advice needed.

As you know I am a stay at home mom and given the hours I have to work around my husband's schedule I can not work outside the house. Does anyone have any idea what I can do from home? I am currently working on my college degree for Interior Design but that has a few more years left. I do not have any other proven skills. I know I am great at office work and organization but do not have the 'work experience'. I am crafty but starting out I can not buy many supplies to start anything.

Really any advice is appreciated.

Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Spring is coming!

Fall and Winter are my favorite months because I get really ill as soon as the temperature gets above 70. But we have had a harsh winter and I have been holed up with two toddler girls for most of it. I am looking forward to getting them outside so I can exhaust them. It would be great if I could just exhaust my daughter and let my niece do her thing if she wants. I am looking forward to Easter this year. I am a holiday fanatic which my husband dreads but it makes life more vibrant. I look forward to the church events, the personal egg hunts I do, the many crafts. The breath of fresh life that Easter brings to everything in the world. Spring is the new beginning. Proving that all hard things must come to an end and better things are yet to come. I can not contain my joy, my love. I feel full in news ways. I hope this Spring can bring continued joy and that my daughter can enjoy it just as much as I do.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Changes outside of my comfort zone

Well looks like we are out of Virginia for a while. Staying with friends while we save money helps a lot. We are however in Moyock, NC. And though I appreciate this opportunity so much being in Moyock spikes my anxiety out of the roof. This town is not home, it is a nightmare every time I am here. And I need to remember that the two greatest things that ever happened to me happened in Moyock. That I met Charles and gave birth to Sarah here. It is just so hard. I can't wait till I am back in Virginia. Virginia is home, calms me and centers me. I loose touch out here and it hurts. The only comfort is that I was not separated from Charles like we thought we were going to have to be. I just hope we can get ourselves sorted soon. Anyhow I need to look at this like a learning experience. Learn patience. Learn control. Learn what I need to.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Morning Musings

I sit here as Sarah sits beside me drawing on her easel. I am emotional today and I know why but can't exactly say why. I am emotional about everything and that should be quite interesting when I end up in church in an hour. 

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Snow Day!!

I get so ecstatic when it snows outside. I get motivated, happy, and I just want to celebrate the world. Snow days make everything look clean and bring innocence back into the world. They bring joy to children and let them make a huge mess on themselves and then come in for warm drinks. Snow days give a silence to the world as most people are staying home and spending warm time with their families. I hope you all enjoy this wonderful day whether it is a snow day or not. Any day can be a snow day for you if you take the time to wipe the slate clean and start fresh like newly fallen snow. 

Monday, January 13, 2014

Jan 5 & 6th

Comfy pjs and socks. And a storm tolling in. I find such joy in storms and this one is bringing me very cold weather :)

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Small blessings which become greater later

My husband and I have of course had our problems. Not once however did I ever doubt that he loved me and would always stay by my side. He shows his love in his steadfast loyalty, his quiet caring, small things he does for me. I have been blessed with a husband who compliments my personality because he can calm my raging personality. He is the center of me and an amazing man, husband, and father. 

January 4, 2014

Breakfast by myself

January 3, 2014

One year of grateful photos. January 3rd is books. 

Thursday, January 2, 2014

January 2, 2014

2014 daily grateful photo. Works of Art

Jan 1, 2014

(I didn't start this today so you will get what I was grateful for yesterday and today. I will of course start out with Jan 1st)

Photograph something each day that you are thankful for.

January 1, 2014