The Moth Myth

Long ago the moths were as beautiful as the butterflies.  They had bright colors and joy followed where ever they lighted.

But one day the sky, ground, and all of its growth lost color. The animals despaired. They could not live in a world that had no color. How would they know what was safe to eat or touch? How could they have joy if half the world was gray and the only color were themselves?

The animals gathered together to try to find a solution. They talked and argued for many days while the wise moths listened, hoping for a peaceful solution. After many days all the animals were full of grief and anger for no solution could be agreed upon.

That was when the moths stepped forward and offered their color. They said they would give their color to the while taking the shades of black, white, and gray. They would return balance to the world and bring safety once again.

All of the animals were astounded at their generosity and worked with the moths on restoring color back into the world once again.

Now when you see a moth, know that it is because of them we have color and they made the sacrifice of their selves for the world.

(A story my grandmother told me so I wouldn't be scared of moths.) 

Two birds with one stone on Sabbath

If you know me you know that I like being efficient but when I have nothing to be efficient about then I get into a rut and become useless. It is a sad thing honestly. This morning though on a Facebook group that I am a part of a fellow blogger said that she was going back to her days of no internet on Sunday. That she was going to devote more of her time to the Lord and other things she has neglected. And it hit me right in the heart. I need to do this too. Lately I have been feeling a grinding halt to my faith and the strong presence of mind that I am spending too much time online. That I am ignoring the important things and what also bring me peace and rejuvenates me. My daughter is left to her own devices which admittedly she is amazing at but we just don't connect anymore. My reading is way off. I used to be able to read at least half a book in a day and it has been a very long time since I have done that. My writing is just plain horrendous now. So I need to take a day to revive my soul. To reconnect with the Word, Him, Bug, and myself. This is my notice to you that I will now be trying to take Sunday's off from the wonderful world wide web and to show myself and my daughter that we ourselves are more important than the technology that controls us a lot of the time. A great article I found stating why this is needed is below, it is better at explaining than I am.

Why it really matters that you keep the Sabbath.
http://www.charismamag.com/life/health/20419-why-it-really-matters-that-you-keep-the-sabbath

I don't know

Something is wrong

That feeling in you that something is off and you need to fix it.

But you don't know where to start.

I am feeling an emptiness. I don't know if this is the start of a depression episode or the start of major change. I really hope the second one. I realized this morning how selfish I really am. I always knew I was selfish like everyone knows they are. But I realized how far into that pit I have gone. I need to start doing for others and stop taking from others without concern. What I really need to do is build my faith, pour my soul into Him and His word. Learn how I can start serving. To give back everything that has been given to me. I don't even really know where to start. I am stationary so driving out to help others is not a current option. I just am lost right now. I have been lost in sadness, hopelessness, envy, anger, apathy. Where do I go from here?

I know this post makes no sense whatsoever. My mind is a jumble and I am trying to sort it out. Just bear with me because I think things are about to get a little topsy turvy.

Psalm 34:18

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

You know how you hear something and it keeps popping up everywhere you are? Or how it suddenly applies to everything in your life?

This is what Psalm 34:18 has done to me. The first time it came to my attention was the loss of my daughter in March. I don't even remember how it was introduced. Ever since then though I am turning to it constantly. And today I just realized this verse is now my mantra in my battle against my grief but also in my everyday battle against depression. I turn to it every time I feel sad or like I want to give up. Every time I need encouragement. This verse has comforted me through the last two months of hard grief and depression. It has soothed the pain or anger or lack of empathy. It has come to mind when I have the urge to lash out at someone. Because they are probably acting like they are because they are crushed in spirit. Then I just want to nod my head in understanding and leave them be. There is always something that brings us comfort when we need it. Whether it be a bible verse or some other quote or saying. It could be a picture or mental image that gives us a break.

What brings you comfort or joy?

Counting blessings in view of a not so good start

So I woke up at 7a.m. today feeling yucky and handed the phone to Sarah to watch tv and then promptly passed out till 8:30. Step one to bad mommy morning. Then I got up and did my yoga for the day and took a shower while Sarah was still watching her shows. Did not get her fed till 9:30ish which was step two. Step three is caving in and letting her watch a movie in the living room because I don't have the energy to do anything else. Today is aiming to just be a lazy mommy day and I feel horrible about it. However it does happen sometimes to everyone so I am allowing myself somewhat of a break. This sick day of mine came at bad timing because I was gone all afternoon yesterday and I always feel a little guilty for leaving her behind even if I did need the break. But...let us count the blessings. I woke up, Sarah's allergies are not driving her nuts today, (in)courage is starting community groups today and I already signed up, Yoga was simple today, coffee,word that we should get our car back by the end of the week. So overall the blessings always outweigh the problems. And thank God for that because He is ever merciful and loving.


(Yes, I know I started two sentences with But & And. Normally I would freak about this but my head is really to cloudy to care.)

I'm being negligent again

So...how long since my last post or effort? Yea yea I know. It gets hard when you don't have readers though and you sort of loose motivation. Aside from that. It has been as hot as Hades around here. Which means my lethargic self activates and I become of a blob of do nothing. I hate the heat. Hate it with a passion that rivals fire. Heat makes me sick and dizzy and uncomfortable. Honestly I dread the heat flashes of menopause when that time comes. I need a climate that never goes above 70 with little to no humidity. Any suggestions for this dreamscape? Today however we it windy out and beautiful and will possibly storm later and I am so happy for that. I NEED a storm. One that makes the house rattle. We shall see. Yes I made this post about weather. I quite often make everything about the weather. I love discussing the weather and there is no logic to that. To me a conversation has not failed when it defaults to weather because I can just go on and on. I worry about myself sometimes. :) On another note, I am thinking of starting a facebook page for my really random adventures. We shall see. I am considering it.

Thoughts on my story

The (in)RL conference recently ended and the theme was to tell our story. The problem with that is mine is still unclear. I do not know where the Lord is leading me. With my history there are so very many paths I could take. I could help children who have been abused in any of the three ways. I could talk about drug addiction or suicide or depression or OCD. I could talk about marriage, about how God gave me a man who has stood by me for 12 years and through me growing up after I decided being my biological mother was not such a good idea. I have so much in my history that I am so very afraid of being found out or being rejected for. God gave me this life for a reason though. He gave me the lessons I have learned and the ones I will learn. There is work for me in the future and I know it will come according to His plan. I just don't know what story to tell now.