My sorrow and my blessings

I am feeling a tightening in my chest. I know this sign. I may not have felt suicidal but depression itself is different. It takes your thoughts and twists them into ugly things. The people or things you love become despised and it breaks your heart because you know you love them but you want to just be left alone preferably in a small room. I hate myself when I get like that. It is selfish to not want to be around my daughter or husband. It is bad for her especially because I give off the idea that she is not important when she is more important than the world. I hate myself because I want to fix it but the thought of talking, touching, being involved makes me want to scream really loud.


I just want to love again. I still love. I DO. I need to find my quiet in my soul and tap into it so that I can re open the safe I have locked my heart into. So that I can hug Sarah and hold her close and be with her. I need to find God in my darkness so that I can find my love.

I am so blessed. I always feel bad at the end of the day when I have to call it quits and say it is bedtime because I can not handle anything. I was able to lay in bed with her and sing her to sleep. I am glad I was able to do that for her. Tuesday we go see Santa because that joy on her face is contagious. Having her ask to pray with me because she just wants to talk to God and it is something we do together, opens my heart. Having her face light up with happiness because I have turned on the lights that look like stars. My husband bringing me home chips and brownies because I mentioned it on Facebook recently, not even knowing he paid attention to those small things. My husband understanding what I need even before I do. Having him fills my heart. Knowing that no matter how distressed I get I can always turn to God because not once has He left me alone. He knows my struggles and is there to help me. I can always pray for Grace and Love and Understanding. These are constantly on my lips. God has created me this way for a reason. Who am I to question His will? I have learned much and I can help many.

 The Good always outweighs the Bad. Just Look.

Let's Play Catch Up!

I skipped the schedule of Wednesday, Thursday, and most of today. So I guess I will just summarize a few things and link you to cool things. I had a great Thanksgiving with two of my sister in laws, husband, and daughter. My husband had to work overnight on Thanksgiving and all day Black Friday. He just got home and poor man is exhausted. This week we have put off preschool learning because we concentrated on true meaning of Thanksgiving and how we should act and love going into the Christmas season. Nothing for DIY or crafts but I can link you to my Pinterest account where there are way too many ideas for comfort. As for the awesome things found online. If you had not heard of Ann Voskamp then you need to now. She is an amazing Christ filled woman. Her voice is that of love and comfort. Her link will be below as well. For something calming there is a live feed into a shark tank in an aquarium and you can see all kinds of sea animals

That is all I have for now. I am sure I will have plenty more by Friday as I remember to save them. I hope your Thanksgiving was wonderful, if you celebrate it.






Ann Voskamp: http://www.aholyexperience.com/

My Pinterest: http://www.pinterest.com/JeanniWhite/boards/

Sharks: http://www.pinterest.com/JeanniWhite/boards/

A Little Princess

Progress. Trigger Warning. Info if you need help

I was wise on giving myself personal feelings on Tuesday. I am posting out of exhaustion and it is a good exhaustion. I had a wonderful day working with two wonderful ladies in decorating the church. I was able to learn so much from doing this for the past two days. J.N. is the lovely soul teaching us how to do these things and I am learning so much for Interior Design and its practical use. Sarah was a very good girl and insisted on helping so much with all of it. Tomorrow we are attacking my house and cleaning it head to bottom.



Overall for moods, I am balanced. I have been happy for such an extended period of time. For the first time in over 13 years I have been balanced and not suicidal for a few months straight. Do you know how amazing that is? It is astounding. And in all honesty it is because I returned to Christianity and was blessed enough to be in a church who accepted me not matter that I was messed up beyond words.  To actually feel like my life could serve a purpose and that I am not just a useless human being. To actually feel like I can be a good wife for my husband or a good mother. I use to think all the time that they would be so much better without me. I use to call my sister in the middle of the night crying because I just wanted to die. I did not want to be a burden any more. But now it is gone. I feel useful. I feel like I can be good in the world. That I can be a good wife, mother, sister, friend, helper. Whatever is needed I can do now.

So if for whatever reason you are at the end of your hope, you feel like you can no longer do it. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! YOU ARE LOVED!!! YOU CAN BE LOVED!!! If you think you can not be I understand where those hateful thoughts come from, depression is a cruel room mate. But you can kick it out!! There are solutions. Even if you do not have money to avoid therapy or just do not like professional help there are support groups with people who have gone through it or are still going through it. People with experience or none. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There are also hotlines as I am sure you know about. Numbers are below. Do not ever hesitate to email me though at kiramaelei@yahoo.com just make sure you leave something in the subject bar like Talk. I will listen, I will support you, I will try to help you in any way you are comfortable with.

YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND I CARE FOR YOU.

God loves you whether you are a believer or not. God is with you every step of the way as you fight those demons.


Numbers to call:

For the US-  1-800-273-8255 National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
http://www.crisischat.org/faq/ For Depression

Any other information you would like I would be more than happy to find for you. Just e-mail me.

Holiday Interior Design

We are coming up on the holidays and a lot of people will have company over for the holidays. So here are a couple of ideas for cleaning and making the place look nice in decorations.

1. Windex will get practically any stain out of the carpet. Spray it on there and let it soak in for 10 mins then pat it with a rag.

2. Magic erasers are perfect for any spot on the walls and baseboards.

3. Cover your carpet with baby powder, let it sit for a minute, then vacuum. Your carpet will smell fresh.

4. Check your furniture for balance

For decorations:

1. Any garland or wreath that you have had packed up. Spray with a light amount of water and wipe down. It will give a shine and clean dust off. Don't forget to plump the garland and bows.

2. For every foot of Christmas tree you need 100 lights and 20 ornaments.

3. Where there are lights you need to do the squint test. Squint your eyes and it will show you if there are more lights in one area than another.

4. If you have children, let them be involved in some part of decorating. My Sarah decorates a small tree for her bedroom and it keeps her in a great mood and out of the way for when I am trying to do the rest.

New Schedule and other updates

Sorry for the delay in posting my new plan for the blog. I have been so busy and tire and etc. I haven't even had a chance to read. As for the new plan, here you go:

Sunday: Effects of sermon, wrap up for challenges

Monday: Interior Design

Tuesday: Personal feelings

Wednesday: Stay at home mom stuff

Thursday: Crafts, DIY, Home Improvement

Friday: Great things I have found online

Saturday: random day because a full schedule can get boring.

  As for other updates. I am so blessed by God for the amazing church I have joined and the many blessings sent my way through the congregation.

Second Set of 7 on 50 Reasons to be Grateful for my Husband.

1. He is an amazing cook
2. He is a very hard worker.
3. He likes to cuddle
4. He would rather stay home than go out and party
5. He is smart
6. He loves me for me, I do not have to dress up or wear make up for him
7. His attitude towards everything

Showing off my little girl and a friends wonderful camera skills

I would post her link up here but I did not ask permission for that.

Marian's skill with the camera is a gift from above and she captures beautiful moments. I am still fine tuning the list for what I will post on which days and you can expect the update sometime before midnight. :) (EDIT: Happening tomorrow instead because I exhausted myself detailing Thanksgiving dinner for almost three hours. Tomorrow is finalizing the grocery store list for it. and then planning the new blog list. thank you for patience)

Variety is the spice of life

It just came to my attention through a friend that I could use more variety up here instead of just the challenges. Friday  afternoon I will write up a daily schedule and post it here so you know what to expect and if you have a certain preference for reading days. Hope you enjoy the new plan. 

30 Days of Change: 5, 6, 7 (warning: day 7 is not for sensitive people)

Big catch up. I have had a lot going on and was sick all day today. I am sorry for the late posts.
edit: Day 7 talks about sex. It is a fact, I chose to put this on my blog. Either read it or don't but know I warned you.

Day 5:

Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord...  Acts 3:19

Today was of sin. How do we view our sins. I used to view mine as something that could never be forgiven. I used to think I was too stained for God to love me. If you go through the bible though, many amazing women have sinned and were later used for God's greater glory later in their life. Such as Sarai, Rohab, and Mary Magdalene. I have accepted God has forgiven me and I will strive to honor that amazing blessing.

Day 6:

Do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the Spirit of our God.  1 Corinthians 6:9-11 

As for morals of the world and morals of the Lord and which I participate in more. I am at an awkward transition stage. Things that I used to think were okay are turning out not to be so I am still learning what is okay to participate in and what is not. So the answer is, more world morals right now but striving to act upon God morals.

Day 7:

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own, you have been bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.  1 Corinthians 6:18-19

I am going off track with this day because I have something to say about this one. I used to be so pissed off about this passage. Honestly it was one I used most while I was not a Christian and needed to argue against it. I would always yell about how no one had any right to my body but myself and I could damn well what I please with it. (excuse the language please). And then...I realized that honoring my body and honoring God by honoring my body was not a horrible thing. Would you break or abuse a Christmas gift given to you? Would you wear it out and then not be able to share the joy of the gift with someone you care about? I freely admit I was sexually active before I married my husband. And in all honesty I do regret it. My regret stems from the fact that we did not learn to love with each other. Let us also look at this from a different perspective. I was a child with a mother who was only sure about one father of the four children she had. I grew up without a father and the men that followed did terrible things to me. If you do sleep around then please make sure you are with someone you can imagine having a child with. Really think about it. Put yourself on the best birth control out there and always have protection. Double team with it on protection such as condoms and inserts and birth control. Just please be careful. And if you ever want to talk to someone on how to find protection or how to abstain come talk to me. I will listen and if you are not religious I will not judge. I have been there, I have dealt with every sexual problem there is. I will help.

50 Reasons to be Grateful for your Husband

For this month of Thankfulness and leading up to Thanksgiving I am going to list 7 things a day that I am thankful for in my husband and add the last on the day of Thanksgiving.

1. My husband loves me unconditionally. I know a lot of wives say this but he really does. I have messed up a lot in my time, I have tried pushing him away, I have done everything in the book to convince him that he is too good for me He still stands by me. Charles may not be a Christian but he exemplifies the love of God and Christ so thoroughly.

2. Charles is a great father. His daughter, Sarah, loves him beyond words. They play together, he consoles her. He brings her surprises like a toy sword to go with the power rangers costume he gave her. They have their little games.

3. Charles is steadfast. He is loyal to a fault and will always stand by his family.

4. Calm. He is slow to anger and even when he does get angry he does not yell or get violent.

5. Logical. He does not make rash decisions.

6. He doesn't drink excessively. He will occasionally drink with friends but it is not consistent and he is not a mean drunk.

7. (Being a wee bit shallow here) Charles is good looking. (Sound weird now) I love his bone structure.

I will update with the challenges tomorrow. Honestly I am just too tired to do them right now and I am getting some reading done before bed.

30 Days of Change: Day 3 & 4

Day 3

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.  Ephesians 4:29

How do you talk? I am always conscious of what I say. I try to be careful of what I am saying and not offend or hurt anyone. I did loose my temper a bit with Sarah and was harsh with her earlier which I regret. I always regret it when I get harsh with her and raise my voice. I believe the way I talk worst is about myself. I say horrible things about myself and I need to stop that. I also need to watch my gossip more. I do not gossip nearly as much as I used to but I listen to it a lot from one friend. I need to learn how to change the conversation.



Day 4:

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world-the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life- comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but whoever does the will love God lives forever.  1 John 2:15-17

The things that I get caught with that are of the world: my laptop, internet, books, social sites.

By cutting back on these items I will get closer to my child and my God. I spend way too much time on my laptop when I could be spending it with my daughter. I have wasted days on things that have no meaning when I could be spending and bonding time with my child.

21 Days of Faith: Day 3 & 4

Day 3:

Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7

This day was about worry. What worry do I hold on to and will I cast it upon Christ. The worries I have are plenty as they are for most people. I worry about finances. I worry about my being a good person, wife, mom, Christian. I worry about how my house looks. About getting things done. My life is a constant worry and that needs to be released from my heart. Not only does it cause physical and mental problems it means that I am not trusting God to lead me where I need to be or to take my worries and heal me. The challenge for this day is to reflect on my thoughts and as soon as I start to worry then ask Jesus to take it for me.


Day 4:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6 

Have you ever experienced a time when God seemed distant or silent in your life? Oh my yes. I think I have mentioned that I am a newly reborn Christian. From the age of 13-25 I had nothing to do with God. I even hated Him. I had thought that he had abandoned me and so I abandoned Him. I had thought He could not exist because how could anyone with so much power have let me suffer through what I did. How could He have let me loved ones do that to me or others go through similar pain.

Trust: trusting that He is there now is in my heart. Knowing that God did not put me through anything I could not happen. We are always loved by Him and even though He seems distant, He still walks with us. Out of my past I have learned very valuable lessons and they will one day lead me to a path where I can help someone. They have caused me to be better mother than what my biological mother was to me. 

30 Days of Change: Day 2

Taking up a challenge to improve myself.

Blessed are those who act justly, who always do what is right. -Psalm 106:3

Apparently for my two challenges today I am getting a clear sign that I am not doing something right. I knew that and I knew that I was being sinful and that I should stop. I have no idea why I kept at it and I know I still have the urge. In the last few days I have acted in a despicable way and that must end. In order to make sure I act right I must be held accountable. To look at my thoughts and actions and see how they affect others around me and how I can ruin the best things in my life. I need to constantly think of how I affect others that I love. This is going to be a short post because right now I just want to go crawl in a hole.

21 Days of Faith: Day 2

21 Days of Faith is a challenge I am taking to strengthen my faith in the Lord.

For we walk by faith, not by sight. - 2 Corinthians 5:7

Write a prayer from your heart and confess any sin and ask God to forgive and help you turn your sin.

                              Dear Lord, please forgive me for my sin of willful disobedience. Also of my doubt in you by believing that I am not worthy to be saved and thinking that I should just give up on myself. I have allowed sinful things into my mind and for them to take root in my heart. I am struggling with handing these things over to you and trusting that you can help me. Lord I beg for your help and your love and understanding. Please help me to step away and know what I am doing. Fill me with your will and your grace instead of my own will which is hurtful and sinful. Thank you Lord. In Jesus Name. Amen.

21 Days of Faith: Day 1

I am taking up these two challenges because I need to be more involved with my goal in life and how to serve God.

Now faith is the assurance(the confirmation, the title deed) of the things (we) hope for, being the proof of things (we) do not see and the conviction of their reality (faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses). -Hebrews 11:1

What does faith mean to me? Faith means believing in something even if there is no irrefutable proof. It means being 100% convicted of what to me seems like fact. For example: I have absolute faith in my husband's love of me and that he will never cheat on me. In relation to the definition of faith from Hebrews 11:1 I do believe they are similar however my definition of faith did not center on God.

I am grateful that I am able to start this challenge because I need the daily reminder. I am weak and need the accountability.

30 Days of Change

I downloaded a book called 30 Days of Change by . It is to encourage you to change your heart and mind over to Christ and to fulfill your life more.

Day 1: Change the way you think

1. What kind of things do you think about? My mind is a mess. I range in thoughts and most of the time they are terrifying. Being diagnosed with depression and OCD is honestly a terrifying combination. OCD can make you think horrifying things and you do not mean them at all and you get scared of yourself because you start to think that you are a threat to others. That is why a lot of people with OCD also have other problems such as depression and can lead to suicide because we think we are horrible, dangerous people. So to answer the question, 80% of the time I am thinking I should be dead. That used to be 100% so improvements are being made. I think about my marriage a lot and how to be a better wife because I do not think I am good enough. I think about how best to raise my daughter so that she turns out to be a proper human being. I think of my soul a lot. I think of how I can improve my relationship with God and serve His glory.

2. Are they wholesome good thoughts? Not nearly enough. I try to think of the positive over the negative but I really need to improve my thoughts all together.

3. What do you need to do to improve those thoughts? Concentrate more on God's message of love and forgiveness. Consider the many more blessings I have than the problems.

4. Why do YOU want to change the way you think? I want to change my way of thinking because my thoughts are not healthy. They are destructive for everyone.



Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be about to test and approve what God's will is- His good, pleasing, and perfect will. -Romans 12:2

The Good in the Bad

This morning at 2:32 my daughter, Sarah, comes into my room saying she is going to spit. Spit in her mind means throwing up. That sets off the rest of the morning with rushing to get her into the bathroom in time, her crying, and me trying my best not to come off as grumpy because I have had a serious lack of sleep this whole week. Finally 7am comes and she is asleep so I get to have my hot shower. 30 mins later and she is awake again. Pancakes this morning are the answer because they won't upset her stomach too much, they're quick, and it is all I can make. My husband is also sick, I am pretty sure with the flu but he still goes to work. Forces himself to work because we really can not have any less money right now. Our biggest concern is the fact that we don't have food in the house right now and how we are going to get food in the house. Tomorrow it will be whether we have the rest of money for rent. December 1st it will be if we have money for rent at all. There are always problems going on and right now I do have plenty of them...



BUT....

We also have each other. I have an amazing husband who is loyal, loving, hard working. We are in our 20s and a lot of men his age are not as grounded as he is. My daughter is overall healthy, smart, beautiful. She is polite, loves going to church, is social. I have come to grow in myself this past year and that means really appreciating my family. You must also, in circumstances that are worrisome, find joy and laughter. In all this it is a joy that my marriage is strong. It is a joy that I have amazing friends and go to a wonderful church. It is a joy that my husband has great, dependable friends who are willing to take him to work every morning. It is hilarious the dinners I have had to come up with on very little ingredients. It is funny how inventive we can get with our time because we don't have money or a car to go out.

And...

We are blessed. God looks out for us and walks with. We do not walk this path alone.


Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds,  because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. -James 1: 2-3

New Beginnings mean New Motivation

I have recently come back to the Christian faith. It was a long road and I still struggle but everyone does. Today I was at a play date with my daughter and it was with a bunch of wonderful women from the church. These ladies have opened their hearts to me and that means so much to me. My church is a wonderful church. They have accepted me even though I am broken and thought that I could not be loved any more. My life has been renewed and in part from these amazing people. My husband and I are still struggling financially but I have confidence that my husband and I can get through this in any way that God leads us. I am also part of First Place Bible Study and one of the mantras is that you can push the restart button any day. As someone obsessed with starting something either on a Sunday or Monday this was a hard thing for me to grasp. But I have done it many times now. I have started praying with my daughter. I have worked on my anger. I have gotten better at getting out of bed. I am a better person and still improving. Having come back to the Christian faith has not changed my respect for all religions. I still support LGBQT rights. I am just letting you know ones who are wary, not all Christians are bad and judgmental people. I will listen to you and I will not judge. It is not my place. I take from the Christian faith a message of love and acceptance. God bless you all and may whatever God/s you follow watch over you. If you have no belief then may you have a good one and walk in peace.