Saturday, November 30, 2013

My sorrow and my blessings

I am feeling a tightening in my chest. I know this sign. I may not have felt suicidal but depression itself is different. It takes your thoughts and twists them into ugly things. The people or things you love become despised and it breaks your heart because you know you love them but you want to just be left alone preferably in a small room. I hate myself when I get like that. It is selfish to not want to be around my daughter or husband. It is bad for her especially because I give off the idea that she is not important when she is more important than the world. I hate myself because I want to fix it but the thought of talking, touching, being involved makes me want to scream really loud.

I just want to love again. I still love. I DO. I need to find my quiet in my soul and tap into it so that I can re open the safe I have locked my heart into. So that I can hug Sarah and hold her close and be with her. I need to find God in my darkness so that I can find my love.

I am so blessed. I always feel bad at the end of the day when I have to call it quits and say it is bedtime because I can not handle anything. I was able to lay in bed with her and sing her to sleep. I am glad I was able to do that for her. Tuesday we go see Santa because that joy on her face is contagious. Having her ask to pray with me because she just wants to talk to God and it is something we do together, opens my heart. Having her face light up with happiness because I have turned on the lights that look like stars. My husband bringing me home chips and brownies because I mentioned it on Facebook recently, not even knowing he paid attention to those small things. My husband understanding what I need even before I do. Having him fills my heart. Knowing that no matter how distressed I get I can always turn to God because not once has He left me alone. He knows my struggles and is there to help me. I can always pray for Grace and Love and Understanding. These are constantly on my lips. God has created me this way for a reason. Who am I to question His will? I have learned much and I can help many.

 The Good always outweighs the Bad. Just Look.

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