Monday, June 16, 2014

The little voice in my head

If you've read previous posts you know I suffer from depression. If your human you know we all have that little voice in our head. Except that voice is never nice for me. To give a few examples of what it is in my head all the time I will give you some of the things I hear and tell myself and most of them have been in the last 24 hours:

1. You need to loose weight, You're fat and not pretty.
2. You know, your husband would be so much better without you
3. How dare you try to be happy. You're a horrible wife and your an even worse mom. I mean come on you yelled at your daughter because she talked back. All kids talk back you know that. How could you speak to her like that. Your despicable.
4. Your useless. You just sit home with your kid. You don't work all you do is use of your husband's resources. He would be better without you.
5. Why are you even looking at Pinterest, you can't do anything. Why are dreaming of a house. You're not going to get one.

These are thought that go through my head every day. I won't get started on the thoughts that pop up when I think about our lost child in March. Or the constant guilt, anxiety, anger, and other emotions I feel on a consistent basis. It really is no surprise that I was suicidal as a teen. I am not telling you this to gain sympathy. I am telling you because it helps me. It helps to get it out. It helps for you to know that I am messed up but I am still trying. I am still fighting to survive for the sake of myself and my daughter.

Also know that depression does not make me a bad person or bad mother or bad wife. I feel like it does but it doesn't. It makes me feel like I will become my biological mother. I could never do that to my daughter. I am at war with myself. But also know that it makes me more sympathetic to others pain. Especially of the mental pain variety.

If you ever need anyone to vent to even it is about something that you think makes you a horrible person, I will listen. I will encourage you. I will be there for you.


  1. I have been where you are, and still get there now and again. I've suffered from chronic depression since 1992. I'm on 3 different meds, and they help greatly, I'm thankful for them. I also see a shrink every 3 mos. and my therapist every month. Do you have any resources like this to help you. I really am a believer in the medication helping, and wish you would look into it.... but not with a regular doctor, but with a psychiatrist.

  2. Jeanne I am here if you need to talk. I have been your friend since high school and you can msg me anytime. ♥

  3. I'm there with you all...the things I've been through, I'm surprised I didn't end my own life but I chose not to give up. I am still to this day trying to "re-wire" my brain from my f*d up conditioning thanks to my non childhood plus psychotic first husband who was an abusive monster. I know this is an old post but I'm here to listen if you need to, you're not alone.